Intimacy & Ostomy
A Little Flippancy, Laissez-Faire Goes a Long Way to Improving Bedroom Life Post Ostomy Perspective Important to Intimacy Fulfillment
Intimacy and sexual relationships are important aspects in all our lives. Having an ostomy doesn’t mean these relationships should stop. Love and sex must fit into the lifestyles of those of us who have stomas and ostomies. After surgery, we all need to find a way of living that fits comfortably into our lifestyles. Still, it goes without saying, there is inevitably a period of adjustment.
In truth, the last thing any of us want to think about following ostomy surgery is having sex. For one thing, many of us come out of our ostomy surgeries diminished because of our respective conditions prior to surgery. Plus, it’s enough to learn the daily hygienic and related tasks we must learn to attend to: changing the bag, dealing with gas and potential leaks. Sex is hardly top of mind. But soon nature does take over. And the internal barrage of questions begins:
Question #1: When will I even be ready to have sex?!
It makes sense to discuss this with your surgeon. My surgeon gave me an idea of when I would be physically able to. I’ve read that there isn’t really a set time, but a general rule of thumb is: If you can walk half a mile unaided and without becoming breathless or being in pain, it is probably fine to resume full sexual relations.
All things physical
Once you get past the scheduling, here comes the hard part. How? There’s a bunch of physical stuff to consider with answers you can find online and eventually learn to adjust to what applies to or works for you:
Potential pain or loss of potency—at least initially and likely temporarily
Need to try different positions to find comfort
No, body contact will not hurt the stoma
Yes, it’s wise, if not necessary, to empty your bag before you have sex
And cotton covers, teddies, intimacy wraps and short nighties for women, and ostomy wraps or belts for men to prevent the bag from flapping
These are all good, realistic considerations and pointers. When it comes to intimacy, though, the real story is psychological and emotional.
The potential for emotional hang-ups
How could any of us who have undergone this change that is so ultimately personal, so tied to our most personal body parts and functions not have concerns? How could we not have fears, yes, about our own adjustment, but more so about our partners’? I am very lucky to have a partner like my wife. She was first and foremost relieved the doctors came up with a solution to end the increasingly prolonged bouts of pain and hospitalization. She was intrigued by the science. And she was available to support and help me manage my post-surgery routines. She had a clear picture of all that was involved with the ostomy. Intimacy became an extension of that.
Looking back, her being involved in the clinical aspects of ostomy resulted in an open and comfortable dialogue that made discussion about intimacy and intimacy itself much easier. That’s why I would tell any ostomate who asked for guidance in this area that communication between partners is essential. Still, I don’t want to oversimplify. Michelle and I had dated for some time and been married for three-plus years when I had my surgery. There are couples who’ve been married 20, 30 or 40 years before an ostomy came into their lives.
Communication important: coming clean about your condition
Admittedly, that’s a lot different than someone who has ostomy surgery at almost the very beginning of a relationship—even more so, someone who’s dating and meets someone new post-surgery. But again, communication still seems vital, harder maybe, but vital. If the relationship develops and two people get closer, you must come clean. In reality, if your special someone decides he or she can’t cope and exits stage left, the relationship may have been on shaky ground in the first place. There’s a good chance your reluctant significant other would have found another way out. It’s rejection, and that’s hurtful and disconcerting. But better to know sooner rather than later that the relationship wasn’t all you’d hoped or thought it would be.
I follow many ostomates on Reddit and Instagram. The fact is that many people have happy and fulfilled lives and relationships after ostomy surgery. They even go on to have children. What’s more, there is no such thing as one specific type of sex life that is right for everyone. Sexual habits and practices are unique to each person and relationship. Another important factor is that intimacy is expressed in many ways. Kissing and hugging are two examples. And somedays a good cuddle is exactly what’s warranted.
Perspective, gratitude, and some laissez-faire
There’s also the fact most ostomates have gone through hell to get to post-surgery life quality. When you stop and think about that, it fosters perspective along with gratitude for having gone through the worst and come out strong on the other side. Plus, sometimes a bit less focus on an issue can serve you well. Letting go of the concerns surrounding intimacy and sex can help to relax you and that, too, can improve intimacy. In fact, adopting a kind of shoulder shrug attitude and a healthy, “whatever” can go a long way to improving life in the bedroom.
Life has an unusual way of pushing us to where we need to go. To me, that’s what Ostoh is all about.
If you’re interested in learning more about Ostoh and how it might increase your comfort, email us at hello@ostoh.com or use our contact form. Our goal is to make your ostomy life easier and make you feel what it means to be yourself.